we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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