Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
