oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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