If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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