i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
false alarm, still single
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