In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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