Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Less talking, more tequila
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
