I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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