when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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