fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
bring money and cleavage
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
