i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
