Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
