Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
