I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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