she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
