Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize