Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
