Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
