Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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