Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
