Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The power of my boobs compel you
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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