I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
