cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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