I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
