Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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