She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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