She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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