There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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