so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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