Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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