The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
