I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
