i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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