Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
