He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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