i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
