so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
