living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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