i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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