When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we're making bets on your personal life
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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