you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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