I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
So many bounce houses so little time
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Is Oprah even human
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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