My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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