he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
operation have a gay friend backfired
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
