What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
