I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
