I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
