I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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