Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
