i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
