She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
