do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
