im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
