put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
