you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
