just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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