wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
